Unofficial Rules
by Half-Finished Fics
Summary: Somebody has been writing down the unofficial, and until now unspoken station rules. can Odo and Quark track down whoever is writing them?  based on Saphura's Official List of Unofficial Rules in the Star Trek: Original Series category. CH 3 UP.
1. 1 thru 20

**hello all! yeah, i know i should probably stop writing new stories and working on the ones ive been leaving half finished, ****but i really cant stop.  
><strong>**the concept of this is based on the Official List Of Unofficial Rules by Saphura. go read it, it's pretty brilliant. yeah, i know the title is pretty similar, but i honestly**** couldnt think of anything else. i would appriciate suggestions on both rules/titles.  
>supposedly, lists arent allowed here, so i hope you dont mind the sub-plot of Odo and Quark hunting down whoever made these.<br>enjoy ;)  
>-"Irene"<br>**

The List of Unofficial Rules on Deep Space Nine.

"what's this?" asked Constable Odo, taking the PADD that Quark handed him from the other side of his desk.

"a set of rules for station conduct. I was wondering if you had anything to do with them." Said the Ferengi bartender.

Odo's eyes made a quick scan of the list. "I was unaware this was part of station regulation." He said.

"it's not, at least not officially."

"so where did these come from?"

"everybody's supposedly been sent a copy. I don't know if it's serious or anything, at the very least the crew finds it hilarious."

"hilarious you say? Who's been writing them?"

"that's the mystery, no one really knows. It just pops up in the database."

"-harrumph- well then, looks like I have a case."

"a case?"

"somebody has to find out who's doing this."

"right." Quark fidgeted, "can I have my PADD back? I haven't had the chance to read them yet."

"I cant, it's evidence."

"well, could you read this 'evidence' out loud?"

"alright." Odo cleared his throat, and began:

1: these rules are not official, and have no legal standing. They are guidelines to ensure your dignity is kept intact. * and survival *

2: Captain Sisko's desk is not to be used for barter.

3: "I am the very model of a modern Major Bajoran" is not a real song. So therefore, do not sing it whenever Major Kira enters/exits the room. (same goes for the REAL Gilbet & Sullivan song.)

4: Odo's bucket is not to be used for puking/mopping/paper-toss (especially while he is regenerating in it)

5: do not refer to Dr. Bashir and Garak's lunches as 'dates'.

6: during long silences in Ops. Do not randomly shout "SQUIRREL!" as you see fit.

7: the Manha Mahna song is hereby banned, no one has any idea what you are talking about.

8: do not yell "DABO!" for no reason in Quark's bar. It sets him on edge.

9: do not ask Morn if he ever shuts up. it will go very badly for you and anyone else in the vicinity

10: please do not try and replicate a lightsabre. We have holosuites for a reason, people.

11: do not swap Worf's Klingon Opera for Justin Bieber. He will not rest until he has killed you.

12: Odo is not an Animagus. Do not refer to him as such.

13: do not sing Lady Gaga in Quark's Bar.

14: "Can I haz cheezburger?" is not a command the replicators understand.

15: the Defiant's cloaking device is not to be used for epic games of hide-and-seek.

16: do not refer to the explosion of an enemy ship as "swwwwweeeeeeeeeeeet"

17: do not refer to the wormhole as the "Stargate", especially around Bajoran Vedeks.

18: please no fuzzy dice on runabout viewscreens.

19: DO NOT FEED THE TRIBBLES.

20: avoid quoting Shakespere around Klingons.


	2. 21 thru 40

**HELLO! miss me? i havnt been good about updating stuff recently, im kind of stuck. it took a bit of brainstorming to come up with these, i welcome suggestions!  
>i've got updates in the works, but when i will update i have no idea. plus some new story ideas (MORN!). aaanyway, read on, enjoy, and LLAP<strong>

**-"Irene"**

21: Ferengi, these rules do NOT replace the Rules of acquisition. They merely suppliment them.

22: do not antagonize Worf if you value your limbs.

23: Weyoun and Brunt are not the same person. Stop saying they are.

24: Whoopee Cushions on the Defiant are not recommended. (see #22)

25: no dog whistles. Period.

26: Vic Fontaine has made it clear that his program is not to be altered to sing heavy metal.

27: the darts in Quark's Bar are meant to be thrown at the dartboard, not at people you don't like.

28: NO MORE BETTING POOLS ON WHEN ODO WILL PROPOSE TO KIRA.

29: Garak will –probably- not assassinate anyone for you, so please don't ask him. -cough cough-

30: Odo is not Jell-o. (the logic used to reach this conclusion would make a Vulcan cry)

31: "Spoonhead" is not a kind term, we still have a –dangerous- Cardassian living on the station, therefore, do not use it.

32: please do not go over your holosuite time, lest you want Bashir and O'Brien chasing you around with replicated swords whilst screaming in Old English.

33: no swapping Capt. Sisko's baseball for a pink tribble.

34: phasers are no longer permitted in the Quidditch holosuite program, team rivalry is bad enough already.

35: Jadzia will not let you borrow the Dax symbiant. Stop pestering her.

36: Klingon swearwords are not to be used if you are only using them because you don't want to swear in your own language. We have Klingons coming through here regularily, and it is best not to offend them, even accidentally.

37: please no telekinesis when playing Dabo.

38: Vulcans are not Elves.

39: and Romulans are not Dark Elves.

40: if caught by the Dominion, don't pretend to be a Founder. It has ended badly for several ensigns in red uniform.

Captain Benjamin Sisko set down the PADD, and looked up at Odo and Quark. "so you had nothing to do with these?" he asked.

Odo shook his head, "I don't have the imagination to come up with such wild regulations."

"oh, some aren't as wild as you think." said Sisko, as he picked up a pink tribble and tossed it in his hand. "I think these should become part of station regulation."

"but Captain, we don't know who is writing them."

"and you will keep searching, but for now, these really aren't so bad. I will personally look them over to make sure they are alright before they become regulation."

Odo nodded. And the Captain dismissed them.

As the Constable and the barkeeper stepped inside the turbolift, Quark cast a glace at the former. "so where do we start?"

"we? Quark?"

"yes. I'm going to help you."

"no, you aren't."

"I will. There's nothing you can do about it."

"I'm Chief of Security. There is a lot I can do about it."

"hah. I'd like to see you try. Besides, this might affect me a lot, all these new rules."

"oh?"

"come on Odo, don't be such a lump."

"-harrumph- alright Quark. But if you get in the way, I will personally put you out of business. Are we clear?"

"perfectly."

"excellent. We start by looking for where the file is stored in the computer, and when it gets updated, we try to trace the source."

"sounds good." They stepped out of the turbolift and made their way to Odo's office.


	3. 41 thru 60

**okay, i lied. i said High Score would get updated next, but since i had enough new rules, and Odo and Quark's banter is easy enough to write, i figured id go ahead and update this.**  
><strong>do you think i should do what Saphura did and give the backstories of the individual rules? if so, which ones? either way, please enjoy ;)<strong>  
><strong>-"Irene"<strong>

"is it there yet?"

"no."

"now?"

"NO."

"Odo, we've been waiting here for almost ten hours."

"and I will wait for another four."

"then we stop?"

"no, you'll keep watching while I regenerate."

"and what if it comes in while you regenerate?"

"then you track it back to the source. I assume you know how, being the crook you are."

"but don't I need your codes or something?"

"-harrumph- I bet you'd love to have my security codes. But you wont get that satisfaction, it should be a simple, easily traced transmission."

There was silence for all of ten seconds.

"Odo."

No answer.

"Odo"

still no answer.

"Odo."

"WHAT?"

"don't you ever get bored?"

"no, I get annoyed."

"just trying to make conversation."

"don't. or you are no longer involved in this investigation."

That managed to shut the Ferengi up.

One hour later, as Odo watched the screen, never moving, never blinking, and Quark lay on the floor, snoring, the computer beeped with the incoming transmission. Odo pounced on the controls with impressive reflexes, and began trying to follow the signal.

Quark didn't know when he fell asleep, or how long he fell asleep. But what he did know, as he woke to the sight of Odo staring contemplatively at the computer, that the update had already come and went.

"did you get it?" asked Quark.

Odo shook his head, "they're smarter than we realized. By the time I got through all their encryptions, the signal had vanished."

"so what do we do now?"

"wait, plan…" Odo winced as he gripped the computer. "regenerate. If you'll excuse me…" he stepped, quickly but dignified, out of the room.

After a few moments, Quark turned to the screen and began to read.

41: don't pretend to be genetically enhanced just because it sounds cool.

42: those of you who were assigned here against their will, please stop referring to the station as "Deep Suck Nine".

43: no more obstacle courses.

44: there are no gremlins on the station, though at times Chief O'Brien would be inclined to believe you.

45: as long as you are on DS9, Baseball is the best sport in the universe. No exceptions, no questions asked.

46: turning the promenade into a roller-rink is now prohibited.

47: Chief O'Brien is Irish, so therefore 'Beam me up Scotty' is not a phrase appropriate in most contexts here.

48: should the holosuites break down, you are not allowed to set up elaborate roleplaying sets in unoccupied shops.

49: the is no Romulan ale aboard the station. If there were, Quark would not have it hidden in a floor panel under the bar. and if he did, he would not allow you to have any if you had a certain password. Morn will not tell you the password.

50: Garak does not knit.

51: if you want a new sweater, support local business and get a hand-knitted one from Garak.

52: should the holosuites be broken, do not use storage areas to play paintball.

53: you have the right to a political opinion, and you have a right to express it, but whoever put up the 'Maquis Marquee', we ask that you remove it at once.

54: be careful when humming near Klingons, chances are, your tune will bear some resemblance to an ancient Klingon battle-song/drinking-song/opera. In other words, don't give them any reason to start singing.

55: whn snding n oficil rprts, plz spl chk. Ppl 4get univrsl trnsl8r no spk txt.

56: Garak does not yet know about doublespeak. Therefore, do not teach it to him.

57: do not compare Vedek Winn's hat to the Sydney Opera House.

58: stop making fun of Jake's outfits just because they weren't very fashionable in the late 20th early 21st century.

59: it is not Friday, stop singing that it is. And even if it is Friday, you are not permitted to sing about it.

60: when the station goes to red alert, stop running around yelling 'the British are coming!'


	4. 61 thru 80

**hello! more rules! thank you all for the feedback and the suggestions, both are highly welcome :)  
>just so ya know, if you read my other story, 'Q less', the concept of 'Angry Tribbles' was typed here first, though it was published first in 'Q less' (which might be a real episode name, i'm not sure. if it is, i'll change it to 'Solving for Q'.) fun fact.<strong>  
><strong>the incident with the Klingon was a reference to the episode "the House of Quark" (or something like that). another fun fact.<strong>  
><strong>enough with the fun facts already! geez! shut up wesley! i'll stop my babble so you can get on with reading these fun little tidbits i call rules, not to mention Odo and Quark at each other's throats again. so read on, and i'll shut up ;)<strong>  
><strong>-"Irene"<strong>

61: singing "Born this Way" around Doctor Bashir is tactless and just plain cruel.

62: same goes for Weyoun, not only are Vorta highly altered genetically, but they aren't born at all. They're grown, or something…

63: Vic Fontaine will not sing the 'trololo' song.

64: don't announce that a person is a Dominion spy as a prank, Dr. Bashir is starting to get sick of taking blood samples. And is starting to worry about the anemia with which the crew has mysteriously been suffering.

65: stop lugging your towel everywhere, you look ridiculous.

66: 'Tribble wars' (i.e. throwing tribbles at each other as if they were snowballs) are now banned throughout the station.

67: stop asking Quark if he can fly with his ears.

68: you cannot track me, the one who updates the rules. Trying again would be unwise.

69: 'but it followed me home' is not a valid excuse to keep the vicious, extra-terrestrial creature you found on your away mission.

70: when someone wrinkles their nose at you, don't say "it'll freeze like that forever", the Bajorans don't like it.

71: real-life "Angry Tribbles" is also banned. (ever hear of a holosuite?)

72: when given an order from the captain, do not reply with "You are the Sisko"

73: please use standard issue Starfleet equipment. You can send in a report just as well on a normal PADD, instead of your antique iPad 7.

74: if Q would happen to show up, DO NOT ask him any favors. For all our sakes.

75: do not steal O'Brien or Bashir's roleplaying costumes. It is never a good idea to antagonize the Chief Medical Officer, or the Chief of Operations.

76: if you don't like a member of the senior staff, you can not hold a vote for a new one. You file a transfer request with Starfleet.

77: no tampering with the computer's clock, prank or otherwise.

78: do not use the science lab to create mythological animals.

79: do not use the science lab to re-create extinct animals.

80: killing Vorta diplomats just for the heck of it is absolutely prohibited. We don't care if they just get cloned again. don't do it.

Quark swallowed. "did you see…?"

"yes, I saw rule 68." Said Odo.

"don't you think…"

"I don't think it's a real threat. I think they're just trying to intimidate us."

"you THINK?"  
>"yes, Quark. I'm quite sure."<p>

"but not completely sure."

"you have every right to leave, you know."

"no way. Who do you think will have to protect you if we DO get in trouble."

"-harrumph- your concern is touching, Quark. But what's more likely is that it will be your sorry skin that needs saving."

"ha! I've fought against Klingons, I think I can handle myself."

"really? I remember you cowering behind the bar while a drunken Klingon fell on his own d'k tahg."

"yeah, but he was still trying to kill me."

"he was DRUNK."

"the most dangerous kind of Klingon."

"when he can see straight that is…"

"enough about who was killed how, what are we going to do?"

"wait a little, I think. you get people to talk in that casino of yours, see if you can find out anything, and I come up with a plan. Here's some likely people you should look out for." Odo handed him a PADD.

Quark took the device. "good luck on your end, Odo."

"same to you. Let me know if you have any trouble with the Klingons." Said Odo in a teasing tone.

The Ferengi and the shapeshifter split and went to their separate domains.


End file.
